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The grief of not having children due to chronic illness is profound and enduring. For me, this reality wasn’t just about a decision but about the deep loss of a future I had envisioned. The pain is often overwhelming, and the triggers—whether it’s seeing children in everyday life or the constant reminders around us—are frequent and unexpected. It’s a grief that lingers, tied to the illness itself and the life-altering consequences that come with it.

Chronic Illnesses and Conditions That Affect Fertility

My experience with multiple sclerosis impacted our decision not to have children. Now living with stage 4 breast cancer, I have seen firsthand how hormone therapy can take away the possibility of conceiving. Life-saving treatments often come with the painful reality of infertility. I’ve also heard stories from women with stage 4 bowel cancer, where surgeries have affected their reproductive organs, and others with autoimmune diseases like lupus. For example, Selena Gomez has openly shared how lupus and its treatment have made having children difficult or impossible. These are just a few of the many conditions where the effects of illness and necessary treatments create additional layers of grief around fertility.

Exploring Alternatives to Biological Parenthood

The good news is that there are alternatives to biological parenthood. In Wellbeing Interrupted Episode 35 Anita shared her journey of using donor eggs and IVF to have her first child. The joy she experienced when she became a mother was palpable. Later, she and her husband fostered a child, expanding their family even further. Alternatives like fostering, adoption, or even mentoring young people offer fulfilling paths to parenthood. While these options bring their own challenges, they provide hope for those who cannot conceive biologically.

Living with the Reality of Not Being Able to Have Children

What if none of the alternatives work? The grief of not being able to have children never fully goes away. There are constant reminders, and it often feels like there’s a group of people—parents—that you’ll never fully belong to. Even though it’s out of your control, it can feel isolating. I remember how emotional it was to make the decision, and how painful it was to accept that having children wasn’t part of my future. Over time, I’ve made peace with that reality, but the grief resurfaces in unexpected ways.

How the Hurdle2Hope® Roadmap and Healing Mindset Course Can Help You

Part of my healing journey has been transforming these experiences into something constructive. That’s why I created the Hurdle2Hope® Roadmap, initially born from my experiences of navigating the challenges of MS. I’m now applying the same framework to confront my next challenge: stage 4 breast cancer. What excites me most is how this roadmap can also help others navigate difficult decisions, like the grief of not having children. My Healing Mindset course incorporates this roadmap to support people living with chronic illness, helping them find hope even in the face of profound challenges. If this resonates with you, join the waitlist for the course and begin your own journey toward healing and empowerment.

Final Thoughts: The Grief of Not Having Children

As I reflect on this journey, I recognize how deeply emotional it is to confront the reality of not having children. It’s a grief that doesn’t simply fade, and healing requires ongoing effort. I’ve learned that reflecting on my own experience not only aids in my healing but also provides insights that I hope can help others facing the grief of having their illness impact their ability to have children.

Illnesses can affect fertility in profound ways, and while some may be fortunate enough to pursue alternatives like adoption or fostering, the reality for many is that children may not be part of their future. This is painful, but it doesn’t mean life is devoid of meaning. I hope what I’ve shared today reminds you that even without children, your life can still be rich with purpose. If you're struggling, I encourage you to seek counselling or support—it's important to move through grief rather than let it settle within you.

If my story resonates with you, I’d love to connect and hear yours. You can DM me on Instagram @Hurdle2Hope or send me an email at [email protected]. And don’t forget to sign up for the Healing Mindset Waitlist—this course has been transformative for me, and I believe it can help you too.