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The grief of not having children due to chronic illness is profound and enduring. For me, this reality wasn’t just about a decision but about the deep loss of a future I had envisioned. The pain is often overwhelming, and the triggers—whether it’s seeing children in everyday life or the constant reminders around us—are frequent and unexpected. It’s a grief that lingers, tied to the illness itself and the life-altering consequences that come with it.

Chronic Illnesses and Conditions That Affect Fertility

My experience with multiple sclerosis impacted our decision not to have children. Now living with stage 4 breast cancer, I have seen firsthand how hormone therapy can take away the possibility of conceiving. Life-saving treatments often come with the painful reality of infertility. I’ve also heard stories from women with stage 4 bowel cancer, where surgeries have affected their reproductive organs, and others with autoimmune diseases like lupus. For example, Selena Gomez has openly shared how lupus and its treatment have made having children difficult or impossible. These are just a few of the many conditions where the effects of illness and necessary treatments create additional layers of grief around fertility.

Exploring Alternatives to Biological Parenthood

The good news is that there are alternatives to biological parenthood. In Wellbeing Interrupted Episode 35 Anita shared her journey of using donor eggs and IVF to have her first child. The joy she experienced when she became a mother was palpable. Later, she and her husband fostered a child, expanding their family even further. Alternatives like fostering, adoption, or even mentoring young people offer fulfilling paths to parenthood. While these options bring their own challenges, they provide hope for those who cannot conceive biologically.

Living with the Reality of Not Being Able to Have Children

What if none of the alternatives work? The grief of not being able to have children never fully goes away. There are constant reminders, and it often feels like there’s a group of people—parents—that you’ll never fully belong to. Even though it’s out of your control, it can feel isolating. I remember how emotional it was to make the decision, and how painful it was to accept that having children wasn’t part of my future. Over time, I’ve made peace with that reality, but the grief resurfaces in unexpected ways.

How the Hurdle2Hope® Roadmap and Healing Mindset Course Can Help You

Part of my healing journey has been transforming these experiences into something constructive. That’s why I created the Hurdle2Hope® Roadmap, initially born from my experiences of navigating the challenges of MS. I’m now applying the same framework to confront my next challenge: stage 4 breast cancer. What excites me most is how this roadmap can also help others navigate difficult decisions, like the grief of not having children. My Healing Mindset course incorporates this roadmap to support people living with chronic illness, helping them find hope even in the face of profound challenges. If this resonates with you, join the waitlist for the course and begin your own journey toward healing and empowerment.

Final Thoughts: The Grief of Not Having Children

As I reflect on this journey, I recognize how deeply emotional it is to confront the reality of not having children. It’s a grief that doesn’t simply fade, and healing requires ongoing effort. I’ve learned that reflecting on my own experience not only aids in my healing but also provides insights that I hope can help others facing the grief of having their illness impact their ability to have children.

Illnesses can affect fertility in profound ways, and while some may be fortunate enough to pursue alternatives like adoption or fostering, the reality for many is that children may not be part of their future. This is painful, but it doesn’t mean life is devoid of meaning. I hope what I’ve shared today reminds you that even without children, your life can still be rich with purpose. If you're struggling, I encourage you to seek counselling or support—it's important to move through grief rather than let it settle within you.

If my story resonates with you, I’d love to connect and hear yours. You can DM me on Instagram @Hurdle2Hope or send me an email at [email protected]. And don’t forget to sign up for the Healing Mindset Waitlist—this course has been transformative for me, and I believe it can help you too.

Transcript Episode 36. Living with Illness: Navigating the Grief of Not Having Children 

[00:00:00] Teisha: Hey there, Teisha here and welcome to episode 36 of Wellbeing Interrupted. Hope you've had a good week. I've had a good week. I have arrived back home to Daisy Hill, which feels more and more like home. So it's really good to be back after nearly a week down by the beach at my parents place. And that was great. 

[00:00:24] I caught up with friends, also had, um, some physio much needed for my legs and also a massage with someone who I've been to before who specializes in oncology massages. So that was so relaxing and really good for my chest area. Um, so today I was thinking to do an episode following up from my chat to Anita last week, so episode 35, where I chatted to Anita about her life with rheumatoid arthritis. 

[00:01:04] And during that episode, we got talking about the impact of illness on our decisions to have or start a family. And both Nita and I had contrasting experiences, both very emotional experiences and filled with grief. So I thought let's unpack that a little bit more because this is such a It's a big decision if you're living with an illness. 

[00:01:38] It's an emotional period from the time you're going through it, but you know, forevermore, um, the grief doesn't really go away if you're in a position like myself and not having children. So, Yeah, I hope you enjoyed this episode. I was thinking, should I, shouldn't I do this? Because it's quite personal. But look, if I am expecting or hoping other people are open with me and are vulnerable, then I need to step into that as well. 

Wellbeing Interrupted Intro  

[00:02:17] Welcome to Wellbeing Interrupted, the podcast dedicated to exploring the transformative power of a healing mindset. I'm Teisha Rose, your host and the founder of Hurdle2Hope. If you're on a quest to not just survive but thrive after a life changing diagnosis, then you're definitely in the right place. 

[00:02:40] Living with MS and now stage 4 breast cancer has taught me a vital lesson. In the face of a life changing illness, our mindset is everything. Each week, I'll share insights, tips and strategies to help you build a happier, healthier, more balanced life. So let's begin your journey from hurdle to hope starting right now. 

The Emotional Grief of Not Having Children 

[00:03:09] If you've been listening to the podcast, you know that I've been living with MS since I was 22 years of age. At such a young age, you're always assuming you sort of know how your life will play out. You know, I always assumed I would have a corporate career, I'd finish university, that I'd, you know, meet someone, I'd then have a family and, you know, that didn't all go to plan. 

[00:03:41] I met Andrew, When I was 30 and from the moment I met Andrew, I knew that was my life partner and when you meet someone, you just assume, you know, the next step is to start a family. So I met, we met when I was 30, Andrew was 35. By the time I was sort of in my mid thirties, we started talking about, you know, having a family and, That was something we were both excited about. 

[00:04:15] Both of us love kids, wanted to have children as part of our lives and we went down that process. I had to have a chat. Everything's complicated when you are living with a condition like MS. I had to have a good chat with my neurologist as to what to do. Back then, it's a little bit different now, but back then We weren't sure whether staying on the infusion while pregnant was right, so I decided to come off my medication. 

[00:04:50] At that stage, I hadn't had a relapse for five years and, or even longer, um, it was, yeah, five or six years. Life, MS wise, was going really well, um, and Yeah, I came off the medication. I also, as always, believe in natural therapy. So I went to have acupuncture. I met with someone who does energy sort of healing and kinesiology as well. 

[00:05:21] So I was doing all things to prepare my body, um, for pregnancy and different vitamins as well. But then Yeah, we just weren't sure. Andrew and I individually started second guessing our decision. We both desperately wanted to have children, but I was scared being off my medication. You know, I was really worried about that. 

[00:05:49] I was scared that I would have more relapses and, you know, I was enjoying life out of hospital. Um, for so many years I was in and out of hospital, in and out of wheelchairs and that had stopped. Also, Andrew lives with mental health issues. You know, Andrew has significant depression. I was worried about that. 

[00:06:13] He was in a good place at that time. I was really worried that that may be triggered. We chatted to my neurologist, or I did, about that. He said, reality is, you know, um, yeah, sorry, I'm just thinking about the conversation I had with him and it's taken me back to sitting in front of him. And he said, you know, not a lot is spoken about postnatal depression with men, but The reality is, if you do have a child, you won't be able to go straight back to work. 

[00:06:52] You know, your body, there's a high risk after pregnancy and after giving birth that an MS relapse will happen. So I'll need to do everything I can to ensure that doesn't. Then I thought, If it does, what do I do? You know, Andrew will be working, you know, to support us, which is super generous, and he'll do that. 

[00:07:13] But that might put pressure on his mental health, and that may trigger. And then I thought, well, if he isn't in a good place, I won't be able to support him the same way as I do, because I'll be using all of my energy to support him. Everything that's in reserve on looking after our baby. And then what happens? 

[00:07:35] What happens if I do have a relapse? What happens if Andrew's not able to look after our baby? So all of this was going around my head and I meditated honors. I really thought about it and one constant was I knew with all of my heart that Andrew was a person I'm meant to be with, but I kept thinking, I just don't think that having a baby is right for us, and it's really hard to step back and make a decision like that. 

[00:08:14] Fortunately, Andrew came to the same decision. independently, and then together we talked about it. And I'm so, um, I guess grateful. Well, I am grateful that he does, you know, talk things out like that. But that doesn't help you escape the grief. You know, I knew, I knew having children wasn't going to be part of our future. 

[00:08:45] But gosh, making that decision, the reality. of that decision was awful. You know, I've never felt so sad, never felt so lost, and never felt sort of confused by my emotions because I wasn't grieving something I had, I was grieving a life I assumed would be mine. And I was angry at having MS. I was pissed off because I thought because of this disease, this is making things difficult for me. 

[00:09:21] You know, this is stopping me from living the life I want to live that I assumed would be mine. And yeah, so that was now, you know, we're talking sort of 13 years ago, and I still remember it like it was yesterday. And I think what's happened now is, now that I've stepped into the world of breast cancer and stage 4 breast cancer, I'm hearing stories of women in similar, um, situations. 

[00:09:57] Because hormone therapy, which I'm on, and which has brought on menopause for me, which is only brought on, on menopause probably a few years before, I thought it would happen anyway. But for other women, they're having, going through menopause, and that means they can't have kids. And my heart is broken for those women, because I know how emotional that is. 

[00:10:30] You know, and again, it's like, it's, you, you get filled with anger to start with, because you think it's not fair, you know, it's not fair that they're going through menopause. The stress of cancer, and not only that, is their, their, their choice to have children has been taken away from them. 

Chronic Conditions That Impact Fertility 

[00:11:00] So there are so many conditions that affect fertility. As I've mentioned, in my world, you know, MS has had an impact for me. That's not to say other people don't, you know, have any issues. They can have children with MS and that's absolutely fine. Again, mine was more in relation to not only going through this, you know, over a decade ago where medications were different, researchers, doctors knew different things. 

[00:11:30] Things about the side effects of medications when pregnant. Also mine was about the whole package, you know, the impact on my partner as well and as a couple, what would be best for us moving forward. And what breast cancer has really opened my eyes to as well is that there's this trade off, you know, that we need life saving treatments when dealing with a stage 4 cancer or any stage cancer and the trade off for that sometimes is the impact on your fertility or the impact of surgeries on your reproductive organs. 

[00:12:14] I was reading about someone with stage 4 cancer. Um, bowel cancer and having another child is not possible for her because of surgery and the impact of that internally. Also, um, there's like Anita mentioned, you know, rheumatoid arthritis. Sometimes the medications can Impact fertility as well. Then there's endometriosis, other autoimmune diseases. 

[00:12:46] There's conditions like lupus. You know, I was reading online just today about Selena Gomez and here's a woman in her early 30s, I think, And she's living with lupus and because of the surgery she's had and the treatments she's had and the reality, you know, that she won't be able to give birth to children. 

Alternatives to Biological Parenthood 

[00:13:11] Um, so there's so many different things that will impact a woman's ability to have a child. The good news is, there are alternatives to biological parenthood, um, and as Anita mentioned, you know, donor eggs and IVF, and listen to episode 35, um, if you have, can you believe that Anita advertised in a local paper about getting donor eggs, so things are a bit different now, but yeah, I loved listening to this story and there was a lot of grief around that as well, and then there was such joy as well when Anita had her first child, um, and then Also the joy of fostering a child as well. 

[00:14:05] So Anita's got this beautiful family. One, she, she always said she dreamt about having two boys, but she certainly, I'm sure, early on didn't dream of it happening that way. But foster care and adoption are other options that are available to us if we're wanting to do that. And there's other paths to parenthood. 

[00:14:28] There's also, you know, being able to nurture relationships with younger people as well, community involvement, relatives. You know, we've got a beautiful niece and nephew. We, Andrew and I. Not now, but about 10 years ago, we were looking after a little girl every weekend, which was beautiful. You know, we had all different teenage guys. 

[00:14:55] Andrew's really good with mentoring. So at that time we were going through all of this. It's like the universe responded and we had an impact on the lives of lots of teenagers, which was amazing. So there are alternatives. And that is reassuring, you know, for people.  

What is the Reality of Not Being Able to Have Children? 

But what I think I want to really focus on now is because I'm not an expert on what those alternatives are is, but what if the alternatives don't work? 

[00:15:31] What happens if IVF, adoption, fostering is not possible? And what happens if there's no escaping the reality that you will never have children and that grief, as I mentioned before, is, can become all consuming and that grief is really complex because that grief's not just about grieving a future you would assume would be yours, but it's a grief that has so many triggers to it. 

[00:16:13] When I was at my darkest lows or periods when we made this decision, even turning on the TV in the morning, listening to breakfast TV, it would just hit you all the time about people talking about kids that you wouldn't quite understand, or no, it was more you'd understand how devastating this is if you had kids or, uh, You know, there were so many triggers that you felt like all of a sudden, you weren't part of this world. 

[00:16:45] And the grief never fully leaves. It's so intense initially, but it's so ongoing. You know, it doesn't leave you. There's triggers All the time, there's constant reminders everywhere that you don't have children, and it feels sometimes like there's a group of people, a group of parents, and you'll never have that experience. 

[00:17:07] It's through no fault of your own. It's not because you didn't want it, but because it's not what, you know, it's not part of your life. And I'm now okay with that, but I really hope that if you know someone without children, that you're sensitive to that. You know, there can be triggers all the time. It can be really painful. 

[00:17:30] It can be isolating and those feelings of grief can resurface in unexpected ways. So I guess for all of us, just to be mindful of that with people. Not that you need to, and I remember at the time saying to a girlfriend, you know, I don't want you not sharing. or the, you know, the photos of your children and, you know, sharing the good times. 

[00:17:55] But I said, please share the, you know, really crap times as well. The sleepless nights or now, you know, the issues with teenagers, whatever it is, because I need to hear those as well. So I need to have both sides. And, uh, My way of dealing with things is really breaking them down and really try and work out the emotions behind what's happening to me. 

[00:18:22] And that was no different with going through this grief. And I realized that we have been so accustomed to Believing that a meaningful life was a life filled with children, you know, having a family, having your own children, that gives you purpose, that gives you meaning. So what happens if you don't have children? 

[00:18:52] And I was thinking, does that mean my life is less meaningful, less valued? And I kept thinking, I have been through so much in my 20s. My life with MS was pretty horrendous. You know, I did these amazing things. I traveled, but in those low periods, those periods when I was stuck in a hospital bed, Relying on others to Bathed me, you know, lying in a hospital bed, unable to at one stage use my hands, petrified I would never walk again. 

[00:19:34] I've been through so many dark periods and I'm so grateful that I got through those periods and I'm I was able to walk again, but I thought, I'm not having a life that has, you know, been, I guess, spent working out how to get through these dark times. And then all of a sudden think, well, because I can't have children, my life is now meaningless. 

[00:20:02] I have nothing to contribute. And I think this was the driving force for me writing my book. You know, I had my book, Life Interrupted, my journey from Hurdle2Hope published in 2015. And 2015 was when I turned 40. And for me, it was so important because I wanted to not only unpack and share everything I have been through, but I wanted to make sense of it. 

[00:20:35] And I wanted to try and get insights from that will help others. And I thought, you know, that's my meaning. That's my purpose. And that's what I want to do. And I should never look at my life like it is void of meaning. 

Hurdle2Hope® and the Healing Mindset Course 

[00:20:57] As I mentioned, part of my healing was writing my book Life Interrupted. The second part of that book was this self help framework, which was the stages I've navigated through from Hurdle2Hope. And what I've done now, though, in living with my next illness, stage four breast cancer, is I've turned that part of the book into the Hurdle2Hope roadmap. 

[00:21:28] And what I'm really excited about at the moment is We're updating, um, the Healing Mindset course for all of us living with chronic illness. And by chronic illness, I mean any illness or health condition that interrupts your life, that has an impact on your life. Because part of what I'm doing is using the Hurdle2Hope roadmap to help us get through all the challenges of living with an illness. 

[00:22:01] But also using it as a tool to make decisions and get through challenges that come up when we live with an illness as well. So I think I'm really excited about this because I'm doing the course up, the best way to find out exactly when it's all going to be there is to go to this page, Hurdle2Hope, the number 2. 

[00:22:26] com forward slash healing dash mindset dash waitlist and sign up for the waitlist and then you'll be first to know when it comes to fruition. I've got someone helping me put it all together at the moment because it's so important. I'm so passionate about it because this has helped me so much dealing with stage four. 

[00:22:51] Breast Cancer. This will help you as well, whether you're dealing with the grief of not having children or any other challenges associated with your illness, I know this will help you. So yeah, definitely sign up to the waitlist and I really hope that we can connect. and that you benefit from all of the insights I gained in my 20s and 30s, which are helping me now as a 49 year old, nearly 50, and I'm sure that they will help you as well. 

Final Thoughts: The Grief of Not Having Children   

[00:23:30] Okay, so another episode. I'm sitting in the caravan talking sometimes with my eyes closed because it's emotional. It's emotional when we reflect on What has been, but it's also needed for our healing. We need to reflect, but more importantly, we need to learn what we did to get through those moments so we can not only help ourselves now, but also in the future. 

[00:24:01] But for me, it's also about helping others as well and sharing all these dark moments, unpacking them, I know will help others. So just going back over what we really chatted about, you know, it's highlighting that illnesses impact our fertility, you know, illnesses impact our reality of whether we can or can't have children. 

[00:24:32] Sometimes we're fortunate and can pursue alternatives and that's amazing, but also the reality is 

[00:24:46] is not part of your reality, you know, and that is really painful, but I hope what I've shared today means that you don't think your life is meaningless. You don't think it's void of meaning because you haven't been able to have children. There is still so much that you have to offer this world and yeah, if you are struggling, have counselling, you know, because I know that part of moving through grief or whether it's any grief related to your illness, you don't want those emotions stagnant in your body. 

[00:25:25] So if you need counselling, have counselling. If you have your own story, please connect with me. Let me know. You can either DM me at Hurdle2Hope on Instagram. Otherwise, send me an email. Teisha, T E I S H A, at Hurdle2Hope. com, remember Hurdle2Hope with the number two, and yeah, I'd love to connect and hear your story as well. 

[00:25:58] Also don't forget, sign up, get on the waitlist for the Healing Mindset course, Hurdle2Hope with the number two dot com forward slash healing dash mindset dash waitlist It will have a massive impact on your life and I say that with confidence because it's helped me so much in dealing with the last two years of Stage 4 breast cancer. 

[00:26:27] So please visit that waitlist, sign up and yeah, we'll be in contact and let you know when the course is happening. Again, if you haven't, listen to last week's episode with Anita. Anita was such a gorgeous person to interview, um, that was on episode 35. I'll add that to the show notes. Otherwise, listen wherever you get your podcasts. 

[00:26:56] Next week's going to be a great episode. I actually did an interview last night, chatted to the amazing Jeannie. who lives in the UK and is a bit of a different interview, but one I want to do sort of each month. Jeannie has her own Hurdle2Hope story, but what we're talking about really is advocacy and the power of advocacy, the importance of advocating. 

[00:27:24] So, tune in. It's a great chat. I learned heaps and I also learned the importance of community and the importance of standing up for what is right. So, have a good week. Really look forward to chatting to you next week. Make sure you hop onto Instagram. at Hurdle2Hope. You'll see what I'm planning this week, every day, to walk to our front gate and back. 

[00:27:55] When we bought this property I thought there's no way I'll make it to the front and But I have. So my goal is to keep walking, push my legs a bit more, focus on MS now that cancer's in remission. And part of that is setting goals and making myself accountable on Instagram. So have a good week and we'll chat very soon.